The person who starts it, or the person that rises above the drama to end it? Or is it that no one wins and both parties walk away with feelings that are hurt, feeling crappy and not really wanting to do anything? Blame or shame? Is this really the answer?
The only winner is the bottle shop or the ice cream shop or the late-night deli where you brought the tissues. Some of us go straight to bed afterwards and just want the day to end.
Does it matter who is right?
More to the point, why do we argue?
Bad day, long day. No job, too much of a job. Over worked, under paid, commitments deadline, clients/customers to please, customers complaining, blaming you. You can’t get a job in a cafe unless you can make 350 coffee a day. Yet without experience, how do you get that job?
Tired and cranky.
Hangry – a combination of hungry and angry because you are so busy, no time to eat.
When you go home after a long and tiresome day and hope the other members of your household will get it’s been tough and be kind and gentle towards you.
Some say it’s the moon or even the stars, well star signs at least. Is that to justify the behaviour that they displayed that isn’t very cool?
Because of the way your day has panned out, you are just plain ol’ cranky! So with your filter off, you do not have the patience to say, “hey it’s been a big day, back off”. Instead you become the martyr and wallow in your own mood and prepare dinner; after all you are the captain of the ship. Then comes the trigger, the moment you wanted to avoid, and so begins the argument. Someone is hungry and what is taking so long with dinner?
You feel like some of those characters from toon town. The one that has steam coming from its ears. The loud sound, the red face, the “oh my goodness me, you just asked me what!”
If we communicated more openly out loud about our thoughts and feelings and guesswork wasn’t involved, perhaps things wouldn’t escalate to that point of “are you leaving or am I?”
We need to share stuff, even the small stuff. If someone knew you had had a rough day, maybe there would be support from others to help you make dinner. Or a little dash of kindness, to give you space.
To share is to use our own voice. We are all entitled to our voice, and to voice how we feel, but honestly what we need to do more of is to listen. Listen to the signs, yes listen. We are so busy talking we forget there are other people in the room and other people to consider. I used to agree just to avoid the arguments, funny thing is that by agreeing, I would end up in that argument regardless and if I only was honest with myself, I would have listened to my own signs.
As we get older, we go in one of two directions: we are happy go lucky, because we are here for a good time not a long time and cease working earlier than 60/65 and start living instead.
Lunch with the friends, lunch with an old school friend, dinner with the mums from school or we even take up a night class. We learn how to cook, or we do a fitness degree or a Bachelor degree or we even learn how to speak German. Sprichst du Deutsch?
Option 2: drown in your own soup. Stay right where you are. Stay stuck. Safe, the easy road, not rocking the boat not speaking your own truth.
Honestly, you should never feel guilty for thinking anything. Your mind is the one private place in the world you have that no one else can enter or make comment unless you have had fair too many drinks and start answering yourself.
The WORST thing you could do would be to try to deny yourself, the right to use your voice. It’s totally normal that stuff come up whenever there’s a problem in a relationship small or big. It does not matter it’s not a big thing, so you kept it to yourself. Both are just as important, and both have the same impact on you. You punish yourself instead.
So, it is easier to play it safe and not use your voice. If things do not improve, I suggest that you jump on the next bus out of there and go and live a full life, a happy life, where the only argument will be, would you prefer red or white wine with your steak, or chicken or fish or whatever takes your fancy that night for dinner.
It doesn’t matter what your jam is, all that matters is that finally after all these years, you have figured out the secret to a happy life is to put on your oxygen mask first. There is a reason why the captain tells parents to put on their masks first. How can you take care of others if don’t take care of you?
Do what makes you happy and not what you need to do to make others happy, and after German perhaps try French.
If you remember nothing else remember this, you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness but your own.
Das Leben ist eine Reise. Es geht nicht darum, wo du landest, sondern wie du dorthin gekommen bist. Danke, dass du auf meine gekommen bist.