Dec 23, 2019

Loneliness, is it heredity or a drink we tried at a bar

Loneliness, is it heredity or a drink we tried at a bar.

Does it consume us to make us feel powerless, sad, lost, anxious or to remind us to find our own happy place.

We are sometimes alone but we should try not to feel lonely.  Easier said than done, it does take on a life of its own.

We drive to the local shops just to see people and talk to store staff, to hold a conversation with another person, but is it enough?

We even go for drives to nowhere, why, to kill time I guess, to turn daylight into night, so that when we return home, we can go to sleep and pray that tomorrow will be better.

Feeling lonely is very real.  Even in a crowded room you can still feel lonely. When you’re surrounded by people, it can be lonelier than when you are by yourself.   You can be in a crowd, but if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anyone, you will feel like you are alone.

We can be smiling and talking and hoping people don’t notice, when the whole time you are feeling overwhelmed, a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach.  Please talk to me, please let me get out my thirty thousand words all in one breath.  Please remove the loneliness, well at least just for today, for right here, right now.

Its Friday night the bars are full, full of what you might ask.   I say full of lonely people trying to mingle in the crowd, to hide from themselves.   Then there is you, sitting home alone, just sitting there afraid to move, no one to talk to.

Your insides don’t match up with your outsides.’ Honestly does anyone’s really match up?’  I don’t know the answer to that, but taking a stab, I would say, not always.

The fake smile, the fake chatter, the fake “yeah things are great, kids are great, you?” Phew I got through that, like they say, fake it ‘til you make it.

Loneliness teaches us to entertain ourselves.

Being alone forces us to face our truth. It forces us to face the what to do next scenario.

Its damn scary, sitting alone with yourself and checking in.  Am I ok?  It’s ok not to be okay, but it’s not ok to go it alone.

Everyone needs an ear, a shoulder, a buddy, a friend, or my favourite a hairdresser, where they can share their stuff without the fear of retribution.

We also need a safe place, a room, a place, a library, a gym, even a coffee shop where the patrons know your face and hopefully the staff will know you by name.  That regular smile, the hello’s and the goodbye’s, so that you feel like a person, a real person.




Our loved ones take a little of the loneliness away, they give us courage to be ourselves and when we are with them, we feel we are ok.  But are we really?  Is this our drug of choice, topping ourselves up by hanging out with the people we know will remove the pain, remove the feeling, remove the doubt and most of all fill in 4-5 hours of that day.  That long day, that dark day, that day that never ends.

A good book, music, binge watching on Netflix.  We all have our own vices to deal with loneliness.  My favourite lady wrote “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.” ― Maya Angelou.

Most people crawl into bed and think sleep will remove it, that’s a no from me.

You wake up lonely unless you deal with the truth.

Christmas for me is the best, it’s the end of a long year, sometimes a tough year and other times the best year.  It’s a time to be thankful, to be grateful, to remember our loved ones that we have lost and to embrace how lucky we truly are.  Not possessions, wrong p word, people.  We don’t have to have many, the special ones will find their way to you. They are the ones that make you laugh and make you smile and make your journey a little more fun.  They are the reason you learn to sew, you learn to cook, or you learn to lend an ear.  To be a friend, to be the best version of you, to support them to be the best version of themselves.  To turn loneliness into happiness.

Some people are lonely at Christmas. It’s a time of hardship, or pain and they just want the day to be over.  For these people we must show compassion.  We must show love, we must open our hearts and our homes and make a little room at our table.  If you are one of these people, give me a call, I will always find a space for you.  No one deserves to be alone at Christmas.

Sometimes we use self-medicating methods to soothe our soul, we underestimate the loneliness, so we attempt to mask the pain. Some of us shop, some of us drink, some of us smoke, some of us take drugs both prescribed and illegal and some result to sex with strangers.

Is this you?  If you put your hand up, then you have taken a wrong turn, you need to turn around go the other way and if you can just stop.

You need to immerse yourself and feel the pain, otherwise how do you expect to know what “it” needs to feel happy.  By ‘it” I mean the loneliness.

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude.  There is a big difference being alone and loneliness.

Solitude is fine but we all need someone to tell that solitude is fine and that we are ok with it.

Being alone just means you are your own company and you must navigate that to ensure that you don’t go to the dark side and it turns into loneliness.

Loneliness is like a roadmap, we need to learn our way around it.  Make yourself a map and go on that journey.  You can add destinations and people along the way, but ultimately, you must face the challenge alone.  Yip I said it.  But I also said there is a difference.

If you expect others to understand why, you will be sadly disappointed.  The best cure is to do it yourself.

Loneliness is a human condition, it allows you to find your inner soul, it allows you space to grow and it usually shows up when you need to love yourself.  Not to be selfish but to be selfless to the most important person in your life. You!

Rise like the Phoenix, burning in the ashes, rise and find your map.  You don’t have to have the answer today or even tomorrow, you just must show up.

What makes you happy, memories, moments, friends and family.  These are what fill up our tank and stay with us always.  When we reminisce about that memory, it makes us smile, it removes the feeling of loneliness, so go with this.

Whether we are eating or drinking, laughing or talking, being in the here and now is when we are in our soul space and that’s a whole better country than loneliness.

They say the best cure for loneliness is to have a social network, loving friends and family.  This does not mean scrolling social media to feel connected.   I know this is hard for some folk, so reach out, say it out loud.  People don’t know how you are feeling unless you tell them.

To be happy and healthy person, we need sleep, good fuel and exercise.

However, us human folk, need to have emotional and physical contact.  We need to be social it’s in our DNA.  It’s important to our very existence and it without it, we will just disappear through the cracks.

They say that mediation helps, not for me, I find it makes me worse.  I fidget and talk to myself, and send myself crazy, I forget it supposed to be relaxing, to let it all go and find the inner peace.

Nope, that’s not what I want to fill up my cup.  Creating does the same thing for me that mediation does for others.  So, don’t beat yourself up if it’s not your thing.  Some like to garden, some like to listen to music, others like to walk on the beach.  It’s all the same, dance to the beat of your own drum.

Happy folks live longer, there are studies to prove it.    Feeling connected in this world is all it is.  Yet we are so obsessed about the past and then we worry about the future.  How about just showing up in the present and get your red shoes on.

If you don’t own red shoes, give me a call, I have a few.

Life is a journey it’s not where you end up but how you got there. Thanks for coming on mine.


Footnote: Christmas is full of fun and family, however, we need to remember it can be a stressful time as well.  So many social events, it can become exhausting and family situations can be tense.  Social media can make some spiral as they compare their lives to other.

It’s important to try to be grateful for the things you have and the people around you and although we all go through times of comparing ourselves to others, in the end it doesn’t bring you joy.

Always remember there is only one you and you are very special and unique in your own way and without you the world just wouldn’t be the same.

Like I said earlier, there is always room at our table for one more.

Merry Christmas xxoo

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